I sit here almost 8 months later, not any better. Same place, different reasons, different people.
I feel alone. I have no one who can be there for me 24/7 and despite knowing tons of people, at 2AM there really is no one to talk to.
People say they are busy, I just think they can’t deal with me. And for this fact, I truly am pathetic.
The lack of writing has not been because life has been going good…it just means ive tried other ways of dealing with issues. There have been some good times since my last long post, but now im back into a area of depression. The depression is as bad as it gets, it makes me want to cut and it makes me want to kill myself.
I’ve told maybe 3 people, one simply told me to “stop talking like that” which was no help. I’ve not talked to that person in days and the fact they have now followed up shows they don’t care.
In fact No one has followed up and that makes me more depressed. Why can’t i have any friends who are constantly caring about my wellness? Its like i reach out to help others but no one reaches out to me.
Maybe I’m not worth it. Maybe God or whoever put me here so I could kill myself. or maybe I’m here to suffer.
My medication is not working and i have about 5 days before i see my doctor to tell him that. Talking to my doctor, my pills, none of that is working.
Why don’t I reach out to more people? Because I dont want to drag anyone down in my issues. No one should care about me, which i know contradicts my previous statement. I want people to care, but I know there is no reason they should.
Any ideas on what to do? I’m lost.
I’m alive…in a way. I’ll add more in a few days. pray for me
So here is the deal…im bi-polar. I get extreme highs and extreme lows. When I get low i feel like no one cares about me, and i sometimes want to kill myself. When I get high my mind is racing 10000mph , icant concentrate, lack of empathy for others etc.
its not about “friends” in a way, or the amount. its i feel alone when i have an episode even though in reality when im not having one I know I have tons of people here for me. Its like I can’t control my emotions or actions. When I have an episode all logic is lost, i could physically be with someone and think they are againts me. yesterday i felt all my friends were “in on it” to screw me over and watch me suffer.’
Obviously now that I’m in a normal phase I know none of it is true. And the damage control is hard. Because people say they understand but at the same time they get mad when i say no one is here for me. Its just hard to explain to them that I cant control my feelings or reactions YET. The medicine i’ve been given is making my physically sick and today I’m probably being switched off it. Even then what ever new meds I’m given will take weeks to kick in.
I truthfully don’t think many people understand this, not even those close to me. I fear this disease will in the end push them all away. I’ve not been honest with myself in a while…but thats the truth.
Having a argument sort of right now with someone. They had to log off last night suddenly to go do something, and it was at a time when i was trying to tell them something personal. Apparently I’m not suppose to be upset because they couldn’t control the fact they had to go. So my feelings apparently don’t mean shit and i’m not allowed to be angry.
Why do I continue living?
So tomorrow im meeting Summer for the second time, i dont know how to feel about this. I mean its not a negative, its just i dont feel joy in anything recently. I’m not sad, nor happy… lethargic? Granted im not doing much to cheer myself up, im sitting in a dark room listening to Manson right now knowing full well its not going to cheer me up… but its just comforting.
Knowing someone else knows the pain im feeling right now, is very comforting. And while im not saying Manson is dealing with what i am, his album is about a romantic breakup which means hurt…and im hurting. I feel betrayed by a lot of my friends, and im not sure if its me or them.
I dont want to relive the details right now but it comes down to is everyone who said they are here me couldn’t help when i wanted to take vicodin. An event happened, and i wasn’t able to cope with it so i called maybe 10 people and not one of them could help. Some admitted they couldn’t and that still pisses me off. Im here for everyone, why cant one damn person be here for me when i need it. One person was swearing as we were talking, not at me but it made me upset and when I asked this person to stop their followup comment was “shit happens”.
I fucking knew I was alone in this, and the other night proved it. I’m tired of being here for people who will just leave me to die when i have a gun pointed at me. Not one of them has followed up on me either.
Here on wordpress ive reached out to a few people who wont take the help but continue to post about the same issues in their life. I wish they knew to take it, because at least they have someone willing to listen and give advice. Even here I feel alone.
If I died, would anyone really even care or miss me?
The only joy lately seems to be the few minutes of rain we had today here in San Diego. Struggling with the urge to take vicodin because all these changes I made in my life is getting out of control. They say addicts shouldn’t make major life changes within the first 12 months of recovery because the stress could drive them to use again…I only found this out a few days ago. I’m almost 90 days sober though, maybe someone will make me a cake or something when I hit 90 days? Summer or Tori if you are reading this I want you’re support in this…
That actually reminds me I never told Tori I’m bipolar. I had planned to months ago but she never agreed to meet with me and kept blowing me off. Now she wants back in my life and I’m going to allow it. We just need to sit down and have a talk, rather its when we first meet up again or after that. Either way I should tell her if I want her to be close to me.
I’m just really down again, 2 weeks mania, 1 week normal and now depression. I really don’t know how much longer I can stand this all. I feel I don’t matter, even when I’m normal. Maybe one day when I’m dead someone will remember me?
The one thing about going this long with out updating is every day im telling myself i need to make an update. My life has been busy with work that ive not had a lot of time to process my thoughts or even really talk about them with anyone.
I guess before I can turn to a support system I need to tell myself what is wrong, and at this time I don’t feel anything is wrong. The mania is gone and I’m in a “normal” phase. I’ve not been depressed since before Heather left (almost a month). I’m not saying I am happy she left, its just a marker to show my self how long I’ve been out of depression.
I guess to pin point my moods here is how August has been:
Week 1 – slightly depressed
Week 2 – depressed first half of week, normal second half.
Week 3 – all of week mania
Week 4 – all week mania
Week 5 – i’ve been “normal”
I’ve switched my Thearpy to twice a month, so today was my second appointment this month. Even when I’m feeling normal my thearpist seems to find ways to pick my brain, and it had to do with my friend Summer.
I met her last Thursday after chatting online for a month, from an outside perspective I guess everything went ok…but from mine it went horrible.
From my view I overwhelmed her. i told her about the bi-polar the drug issues etc. So i felt like I dropped a lot on her. Which is why when I left I assumed she didn’t want to be friends so I just didnt contact her after. She ended up emailing me 2 days later kind of worried as to why I didn’t speak to her since. I’ve not told her that I assumed she hated me, and if she reads this just know my mind is fucked up.
It was nothing she did to reinforce this negative thinking it was all me and my mind. My mind has caused a lot of damage both internally how I treat myself and externally how I treat others. And the pathetic thing is, I can’t help it. Your mind tricks you into thinking that all the negative is actually true, and that everyone hates you.
I see this now, but you know what? I bet next time I have an episode, even if I read this I will find flaws in it. I’ll give into my mind. And over all I hate myself for that. I’m getting help…im getting meds in a few weeks but until then I feel like I’m drowning.
So I’ve been clean 63 days from Vicodin, but tonight I’m having a strong craving. Part of me is saying this ” Take one pill, get your fix and you can stop tomorrow”… but I’m trying hard to not give in. Unfortunately for me, the only addict (recovered) I know is not picking up, so I’m on my own with this tonight.
Speaking of being on my own I feel like I bug people too much lately about my issues. Yes they listen, but i feel like im a burden for turning to them. My bipolar is now apporching 2 weeks of mania and I feel alone. I’m having thoughts of hurting myself, just so everything will slow down. I don’t have the urge, but if someone stabbed me I wouldn’t complain. I just need everything to slow down, my thoughts, my actions, everything. Maybe I just need someone to grab me and slap some sense into me? I got no clue
Times like this almost makes me want to be depressed…. WHY CAN’T I EVER FEEL LIKE REGULAR PEOPLE?
And I’m at work…thats right now on a normal schdule, I’m off in 30minutes.
Right now is day 5 of mania and im not really wanting to discuss that, something on my mind right now though is my friend Summer. We’ve been friends for about a month and I think we are becoming close. The issue is me deciding if i want to give her the link to this journal. I’m scared that, like Shelby she will read it and either start crying and not finish it…or be overwhelmed and not want to be friends anymore.
Reasons for wanting her to read it:
it gives her info on the last few months of my life
stronger friendship
more trust
Cons:
Scaring her away
She treats me like im a chairity case…
I don’t know what to do…
