Will be updating more…soon..probably in a few hours.
We meet again
I sit here almost 8 months later, not any better. Same place, different reasons, different people.
I feel alone. I have no one who can be there for me 24/7 and despite knowing tons of people, at 2AM there really is no one to talk to.
People say they are busy, I just think they can’t deal with me. And for this fact, I truly am pathetic.
Whats been going on
The lack of writing has not been because life has been going good…it just means ive tried other ways of dealing with issues. There have been some good times since my last long post, but now im back into a area of depression. The depression is as bad as it gets, it makes me want to cut and it makes me want to kill myself.
I’ve told maybe 3 people, one simply told me to “stop talking like that” which was no help. I’ve not talked to that person in days and the fact they have now followed up shows they don’t care.
In fact No one has followed up and that makes me more depressed. Why can’t i have any friends who are constantly caring about my wellness? Its like i reach out to help others but no one reaches out to me.
Maybe I’m not worth it. Maybe God or whoever put me here so I could kill myself. or maybe I’m here to suffer.
My medication is not working and i have about 5 days before i see my doctor to tell him that. Talking to my doctor, my pills, none of that is working.
Why don’t I reach out to more people? Because I dont want to drag anyone down in my issues. No one should care about me, which i know contradicts my previous statement. I want people to care, but I know there is no reason they should.
Any ideas on what to do? I’m lost.
Alive sort of
I’m alive…in a way. I’ll add more in a few days. pray for me
a letter i wrote someone today
So here is the deal…im bi-polar. I get extreme highs and extreme lows. When I get low i feel like no one cares about me, and i sometimes want to kill myself. When I get high my mind is racing 10000mph , icant concentrate, lack of empathy for others etc.
its not about “friends” in a way, or the amount. its i feel alone when i have an episode even though in reality when im not having one I know I have tons of people here for me. Its like I can’t control my emotions or actions. When I have an episode all logic is lost, i could physically be with someone and think they are againts me. yesterday i felt all my friends were “in on it” to screw me over and watch me suffer.’
Obviously now that I’m in a normal phase I know none of it is true. And the damage control is hard. Because people say they understand but at the same time they get mad when i say no one is here for me. Its just hard to explain to them that I cant control my feelings or reactions YET. The medicine i’ve been given is making my physically sick and today I’m probably being switched off it. Even then what ever new meds I’m given will take weeks to kick in.
I truthfully don’t think many people understand this, not even those close to me. I fear this disease will in the end push them all away. I’ve not been honest with myself in a while…but thats the truth.
My feelings don’t matter
Having a argument sort of right now with someone. They had to log off last night suddenly to go do something, and it was at a time when i was trying to tell them something personal. Apparently I’m not suppose to be upset because they couldn’t control the fact they had to go. So my feelings apparently don’t mean shit and i’m not allowed to be angry.
Why do I continue living?
I kill myself in small amounts
So tomorrow im meeting Summer for the second time, i dont know how to feel about this. I mean its not a negative, its just i dont feel joy in anything recently. I’m not sad, nor happy… lethargic? Granted im not doing much to cheer myself up, im sitting in a dark room listening to Manson right now knowing full well its not going to cheer me up… but its just comforting.
Knowing someone else knows the pain im feeling right now, is very comforting. And while im not saying Manson is dealing with what i am, his album is about a romantic breakup which means hurt…and im hurting. I feel betrayed by a lot of my friends, and im not sure if its me or them.
I dont want to relive the details right now but it comes down to is everyone who said they are here me couldn’t help when i wanted to take vicodin. An event happened, and i wasn’t able to cope with it so i called maybe 10 people and not one of them could help. Some admitted they couldn’t and that still pisses me off. Im here for everyone, why cant one damn person be here for me when i need it. One person was swearing as we were talking, not at me but it made me upset and when I asked this person to stop their followup comment was “shit happens”.
I fucking knew I was alone in this, and the other night proved it. I’m tired of being here for people who will just leave me to die when i have a gun pointed at me. Not one of them has followed up on me either.
Here on wordpress ive reached out to a few people who wont take the help but continue to post about the same issues in their life. I wish they knew to take it, because at least they have someone willing to listen and give advice. Even here I feel alone.
If I died, would anyone really even care or miss me?
